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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I am A Loser

I must say it is sobering to have lost a battle.

A cancer victim wakes up one morning and realizes that there is no way out but to give in and let go of life and all things valuable. There is a specific crispness to these very sober thoughts. A shear frankness of acceptance that leaves no room for tears. A bravery comes upon one to face and accept the loss and scream "uncle" in defeat. 

I am amazed with cancer because it is not just a physical disease that ails our bodies while suffocating the life out if us. To me cancer is just a representation in the most extreme form of ALL sickness. The tumor itself can be representative of an actual person that has brought sickness to a family distorting relationships and altering behavior. A member who has sabotaged the function of familial relationships bringing all life and joy to a screeching halt. 

Losing is definitely part of the game. Being the loser is as victorious as winning in a way, sometimes only because the game has finally ended and there will be calmness and serenity. Being the loser forces one to be mature lowering ones head, bowing the shoulders, and folding back into ones own existence.

In my mind, I can hear the loud piercing ring of my sword falling onto the stone floor.
That's it I am done.

The thought and realization of losing is disturbing only because I know that I have put in my all only to lose. A glimmer of hope comes in with the question of "what's next?" But then I am brought back to reality and my mind realizes that I have lost. I have lost because I was not cheered for, I had no chance. The sweeping force of finishing me came from the first blow. I had no hope to begin with. I should've walked away from the start, but I thought I was strong.

The reality is that I am not strong. I am a loser.

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