This is an opinion piece that has
stirred up a lot of controversy. I wrote the following in APRIL 2011. It was a
candid response to an evening visit with a new American acquaintance that was
suffering with her recent life in Saudi Arabia. I felt that I had to give her
my most honest feelings to make her feel better, feelings that I hadn’t ever
admitted to myself. The reason I titled it the “inside outsider” is because I
feel that children from mixed marriages have a very unique view on true
community life. Children with mixed backgrounds are called “third culture kids”
and there are books published about this (term coined by Ruth Hill http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid). We have very unique experiences and
perspectives that even very well traveled and culturally exposed people don’t
have. Those “foreigners” married to Saudis don’t quite have the same view as we
do, and those foreigners living here for work, to learn religion etc. also
don’t have the same view. People like me who are sitting on the dividing wall
can see both sides clearly with a unique perspective. In addition, full Saudis
would never admit what was really going on on the inside (it would expose the
privacy of their community). Would more third culture kids in the next
generation improve this place? I hope so!
I have had some responses to this
piece that were in disagreement and others who couldn’t agree more. In any case
this is my opinion and I would appreciate your respect. It is a sad piece and
focuses on a lot of the negatives, which does not mean that there aren’t any
positives, however, that I will write about later. In addition, I am
generalizing and I didn’t say that none of this exists in the western world as
well. All I’m saying is that this is my perspective as a third culture kid
living in Jeddah, SAUDI ARABIA.
The Inside Outsider
About this place they call "Saudi,"
I have a lot to say. I have many feelings that are buried deep down inside, and
for the first time, I am going to bring them out. I am turning my thoughts and
feelings into words; these have been building up since childhood.
Saudi Arabia is a unique place. It’s
a place where the ancient wisdom that it was once renowned for is long gone,
buried under the mineral and black gold that seems to have given it new
character and personality. A wisdom that has no more value, a wisdom that is
now considered worthless and those who try to practice it are shunned and
pushed aside. The ancient leaders of Arabia, the well-known prophets,
scientists, romantics, poets, and many others would be appalled at what it has
become today.
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia often
reminds me of the television series "LOST." It is a place with a
strange power that controls everybody - a power that is unseen, unexplained,
scary, yet resourceful. It is a place that is a "goldmine," a
"safe haven," and a "no mans land," where if you place
yourself properly, you can get away with murder - literally. This place
attracts the most insufficient, unprofessional, unethical, dishonest people
from all around the world. It attracts people who cannot make a decent living,
people who have been convicted for something minor or even major, people who
escape taxes, people who cannot get it together in their own countries – they
all come here.
Saudi Arabia has a very low standard
for anything ethical or professional. Its people are lazy, consuming,
demanding, self righteous, spoiled and incapable. During the past 20-30 years,
they have been in a slumber induced by a lack of leadership and tight controls
on everything, which retarded any kind of growth. Losers from other countries
come here to make a quick buck. I personally know and can name a few. These
people come from all walks of life - the Americans, the British, the Indians,
the Bengalis, the Filipinos, the Egyptians, etc, etc.
Saudi residents tend to group
together to create little clicks, gangs, mafias - whatever you want to call it
- survival groups that are bonded by the same goals, mentality, and mind set
with strong loyalties to each other. These groups are very difficult to
infiltrate if you are not like-minded. They are based on a commonality that
each individual has while excluding any others. This grouping can be among
siblings, extended family members, school friends, college friends, colleagues
at work, or specific social classes and groups. If you find yourself trying to
fit in, you will not be able to unless the majority in the group find a
commonality that they can accept you for. They are in control not you; so don’t
even try to fit in.
This is where I tell you not to be
concerned with cultural differences or racial differences, because these are
not what the society is based on. I don’t feel like there is a real culture in
Saudi Arabia anymore. Society doesn’t practice true Arabian or Islamic behavior
of generosity anymore. No more open homes, free food, kind words, smiles,
helping hands, or anything that the Arabs or Muslims were previously very well
known for. There no longer exists the Arabian Knight on a shiny white horse.
Don’t be afraid; be proud that you
don’t fit in. I personally felt extremely reassured and relieved when I
realized that I don’t fit in fully and that I never will. I have been brought
up in a multi-cultural home, which is non-judgmental, considerate, kind and
forgiving. I was ecstatic when I finally accepted that I would never be a full
part of the “majority” of the Saudi people of today. I may never really fit in
anywhere, but I know that the human characteristics that really matter in the
end are the ones that I want to practice and hold on to even if that means that
I am estranged from my own “home town.”
This place has to have a purpose for
you, besides it being a home. You have to find something that you can only be
able to take advantage of in such a country with so much free time - maybe like
completing a higher degree because of the long empty hours you will have
affording plenty of time to study, or work experience that is unique, or
exposure to others who may get you a foot in the door somewhere. Make this
place work for your personal gains. Don’t just exist here for the sake of your
children; they will also never really fit in (being from a mixed culture
background). Let them be who you want them to be, not who you think the society
will accept - because it’s not going to happen. They should be good people with
beautiful human characteristics, with universal rules to follow - people who
can live anywhere in the world and make you proud.
Always make sure you have an escape -
yes, a way out! Always keep your passports with you, especially the American
ones. Make sure you have the consulate’s number with you at all times. Always
have a plan that will get you and your kids out of here if necessary. Most
Saudis have and or seek dual citizenship for this reason - an escape route.
Those who don’t have dual citizenship truly envy those who do. People may
mistreat you only because they know that you and your kids can leave if you
ever wanted or had to, and that the American government will support you as a
person no matter what. YOU ARE THE UNTOUCHABLES, and that’s why you feel the
hate.
Of course there are many good things
here, but you must wade through the bad and scrape it off before you can see or
appreciate the good. That’s just the way it is - the most annoying stuff just
gets right up into our faces. In my opinion it is one of the most difficult
countries in the world to live in. This place is “special” in many different
ways. You will find those few and far between people whom you will not be able
to live without. These are the people who will appear when you are most in need
and they can keep you afloat. These people will be your friend no matter where
you go, and they are in the same position you are in, so they understand.
Don’t be who you are not, and don’t
try to change. That is the biggest cause for distress and depression when
living in Saudi. Because no matter how hard you try to please family members,
friends, or “the group”, they will never appreciate it and never be pleased
because you are just not “one of them” - and you will never be. It’s the
painful truth; they will just laugh at you and talk about you behind your back.
So be your beautiful Californian blonde self and enjoy being that. Their envy
is killing them!
A very strong tool to use in Saudi is
silence. If they can’t hear your thoughts they can’t control you. If they can’t
see what you are all about they can’t get to you. The majority of Saudi people
are experts at reverse psychology and mental manipulation. They have a skill at
finding your weaknesses and going for you. If they don’t hurt you today, they
will tomorrow. Keep your thoughts to yourself and that is your power against
them.
I know that it is tough because you
must live in survival mode constantly. You must become accustomed to protecting
yourself and building a strong defense mechanism. It is exhausting and
sometimes not worth it. But if you choose to live here, this is the advice I
have for you. This is what I have learned living amongst them as an “inside
outsider.”
One of my favorite comments was: “Khayra said...
Since everyone's starting with their backgrounds: I'm writing as
one from the second generation of Halfies (Half-Saudis) with both my parents
being Halfies.
I REALLY like this post.
There should be an "Inside
Outsider" forum or something! It reminded me of the first time I read
Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four and thought to myself how on the money the
description was.
It's cute how so many people are so passionately choosing
sides on Saudi being a good or bad place to live in.
Many of them may not
realize the "backward" genuinely (generally) don't realize they're
being so. I have stories to back this theory up.
Now that my generation of
super-Halfies are coming up, I wonder if this post will hold true for long.”
What is your intention and could you unintentionally hurt someone? Can you say what you feel in a more concerned way? Maybe that person knows that she looks fat and she is feeling horrible about it, you pointing that out is not going to make her feel any better. Don't you think that she already knows that none of her clothing fits anymore and she is wearing her fat jeans?? You might not know that your friend is struggling with an inner fear and she hasn't slept all night, saying that she looks horrible is only going to make her feel worse and know that you are not such a good friend after all.
