Search This Blog

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Social Pet Peeve.

Are we not socially refined?

One of my biggest social pet peeves is when greeting a friend, family member, or acquaintance in Jeddah and the first thing out of his/her mouth is "Did you gain weight (تخنانة)?!", or "Are you tired (تعبانة) ?".
Why do people in this community feel like they can point out your flaws so honestly, making you feel worse than you may already feel or put a damper on a pretty good day. Why is it ok to be sooooo honest with hurtful statements and not with anything else?? 

I've lived in the States for ten years and spent every summer and winter break of my life either in the States or  somewhere in Europe and never encountered a person who said "did you gain weight?" or "why do you look so tired? Whats wrong with you?" Western people take every opportunity to say something nice or show concern in a genuine caring way. And if they have nothing nice to say, they don't say anything at all.

I would like to recommend to all, that we should make extra effort to be genuinely nice to everyone or just be quiet. We should follow universal teaches of all monotheistic and spiritual religions including the Hadith "Say good, or be quiet فلتقل خيرآ او لتصمت"; my mom always says "If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all". 

As an Islamic community we must make a conscious decision to be socially aware of our actions and how they affect our peers. We must have a higher awareness of how our actions and words are felt. 

Think about it:
What is your intention and could you unintentionally hurt someone? Can you say what you feel in a more concerned way? Maybe that person knows that she looks fat and she is feeling horrible about it, you pointing that out is not going to make her feel any better. Don't you think that she already knows that none of her clothing fits anymore and she is wearing her fat jeans?? You might not know that your friend is struggling with an inner fear and she hasn't slept all night, saying that she looks horrible is only going to make her feel worse and know that you are not such a good friend after all.

Think before you speak!

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Inside Outsider

This is an opinion piece that has stirred up a lot of controversy. I wrote the following in APRIL 2011. It was a candid response to an evening visit with a new American acquaintance that was suffering with her recent life in Saudi Arabia. I felt that I had to give her my most honest feelings to make her feel better, feelings that I hadn’t ever admitted to myself. The reason I titled it the “inside outsider” is because I feel that children from mixed marriages have a very unique view on true community life. Children with mixed backgrounds are called “third culture kids” and there are books published about this (term coined by Ruth Hill We have very unique experiences and perspectives that even very well traveled and culturally exposed people don’t have. Those “foreigners” married to Saudis don’t quite have the same view as we do, and those foreigners living here for work, to learn religion etc. also don’t have the same view. People like me who are sitting on the dividing wall can see both sides clearly with a unique perspective. In addition, full Saudis would never admit what was really going on on the inside (it would expose the privacy of their community). Would more third culture kids in the next generation improve this place? I hope so!

I have had some responses to this piece that were in disagreement and others who couldn’t agree more. In any case this is my opinion and I would appreciate your respect. It is a sad piece and focuses on a lot of the negatives, which does not mean that there aren’t any positives, however, that I will write about later. In addition, I am generalizing and I didn’t say that none of this exists in the western world as well. All I’m saying is that this is my perspective as a third culture kid living in Jeddah, SAUDI ARABIA.

The Inside Outsider

About this place they call "Saudi," I have a lot to say. I have many feelings that are buried deep down inside, and for the first time, I am going to bring them out. I am turning my thoughts and feelings into words; these have been building up since childhood.

Saudi Arabia is a unique place. It’s a place where the ancient wisdom that it was once renowned for is long gone, buried under the mineral and black gold that seems to have given it new character and personality. A wisdom that has no more value, a wisdom that is now considered worthless and those who try to practice it are shunned and pushed aside. The ancient leaders of Arabia, the well-known prophets, scientists, romantics, poets, and many others would be appalled at what it has become today.

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia often reminds me of the television series "LOST." It is a place with a strange power that controls everybody - a power that is unseen, unexplained, scary, yet resourceful. It is a place that is a "goldmine," a "safe haven," and a "no mans land," where if you place yourself properly, you can get away with murder - literally. This place attracts the most insufficient, unprofessional, unethical, dishonest people from all around the world. It attracts people who cannot make a decent living, people who have been convicted for something minor or even major, people who escape taxes, people who cannot get it together in their own countries – they all come here.

Saudi Arabia has a very low standard for anything ethical or professional. Its people are lazy, consuming, demanding, self righteous, spoiled and incapable. During the past 20-30 years, they have been in a slumber induced by a lack of leadership and tight controls on everything, which retarded any kind of growth. Losers from other countries come here to make a quick buck. I personally know and can name a few. These people come from all walks of life - the Americans, the British, the Indians, the Bengalis, the Filipinos, the Egyptians, etc, etc.

Saudi residents tend to group together to create little clicks, gangs, mafias - whatever you want to call it - survival groups that are bonded by the same goals, mentality, and mind set with strong loyalties to each other. These groups are very difficult to infiltrate if you are not like-minded. They are based on a commonality that each individual has while excluding any others. This grouping can be among siblings, extended family members, school friends, college friends, colleagues at work, or specific social classes and groups. If you find yourself trying to fit in, you will not be able to unless the majority in the group find a commonality that they can accept you for. They are in control not you; so don’t even try to fit in.

This is where I tell you not to be concerned with cultural differences or racial differences, because these are not what the society is based on. I don’t feel like there is a real culture in Saudi Arabia anymore. Society doesn’t practice true Arabian or Islamic behavior of generosity anymore. No more open homes, free food, kind words, smiles, helping hands, or anything that the Arabs or Muslims were previously very well known for. There no longer exists the Arabian Knight on a shiny white horse.
Don’t be afraid; be proud that you don’t fit in. I personally felt extremely reassured and relieved when I realized that I don’t fit in fully and that I never will. I have been brought up in a multi-cultural home, which is non-judgmental, considerate, kind and forgiving. I was ecstatic when I finally accepted that I would never be a full part of the “majority” of the Saudi people of today. I may never really fit in anywhere, but I know that the human characteristics that really matter in the end are the ones that I want to practice and hold on to even if that means that I am estranged from my own “home town.”

This place has to have a purpose for you, besides it being a home. You have to find something that you can only be able to take advantage of in such a country with so much free time - maybe like completing a higher degree because of the long empty hours you will have affording plenty of time to study, or work experience that is unique, or exposure to others who may get you a foot in the door somewhere. Make this place work for your personal gains. Don’t just exist here for the sake of your children; they will also never really fit in (being from a mixed culture background). Let them be who you want them to be, not who you think the society will accept - because it’s not going to happen. They should be good people with beautiful human characteristics, with universal rules to follow - people who can live anywhere in the world and make you proud.

Always make sure you have an escape - yes, a way out! Always keep your passports with you, especially the American ones. Make sure you have the consulate’s number with you at all times. Always have a plan that will get you and your kids out of here if necessary. Most Saudis have and or seek dual citizenship for this reason - an escape route. Those who don’t have dual citizenship truly envy those who do. People may mistreat you only because they know that you and your kids can leave if you ever wanted or had to, and that the American government will support you as a person no matter what. YOU ARE THE UNTOUCHABLES, and that’s why you feel the hate.

Of course there are many good things here, but you must wade through the bad and scrape it off before you can see or appreciate the good. That’s just the way it is - the most annoying stuff just gets right up into our faces. In my opinion it is one of the most difficult countries in the world to live in. This place is “special” in many different ways. You will find those few and far between people whom you will not be able to live without. These are the people who will appear when you are most in need and they can keep you afloat. These people will be your friend no matter where you go, and they are in the same position you are in, so they understand.

Don’t be who you are not, and don’t try to change. That is the biggest cause for distress and depression when living in Saudi. Because no matter how hard you try to please family members, friends, or “the group”, they will never appreciate it and never be pleased because you are just not “one of them” - and you will never be. It’s the painful truth; they will just laugh at you and talk about you behind your back. So be your beautiful Californian blonde self and enjoy being that. Their envy is killing them!

A very strong tool to use in Saudi is silence. If they can’t hear your thoughts they can’t control you. If they can’t see what you are all about they can’t get to you. The majority of Saudi people are experts at reverse psychology and mental manipulation. They have a skill at finding your weaknesses and going for you. If they don’t hurt you today, they will tomorrow. Keep your thoughts to yourself and that is your power against them.

I know that it is tough because you must live in survival mode constantly. You must become accustomed to protecting yourself and building a strong defense mechanism. It is exhausting and sometimes not worth it. But if you choose to live here, this is the advice I have for you. This is what I have learned living amongst them as an “inside outsider.”

This piece was originally posted on a dear friend’s blog; you can click this link and see the responses.
One of my favorite comments was: “Khayra said...
Since everyone's starting with their backgrounds: I'm writing as one from the second generation of Halfies (Half-Saudis) with both my parents being Halfies.

I REALLY like this post.
There should be an "Inside Outsider" forum or something! It reminded me of the first time I read Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four and thought to myself how on the money the description was.

It's cute how so many people are so passionately choosing sides on Saudi being a good or bad place to live in.
Many of them may not realize the "backward" genuinely (generally) don't realize they're being so. I have stories to back this theory up.

Now that my generation of super-Halfies are coming up, I wonder if this post will hold true for long.”

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

President Bush Participates in Roundtable with Saudi Entrepreneurs

In the news: "On January 15, 2008 President Bush met with 10 selected Saudi Entrepreneurs. Drawn from a pool of almost 300 candidates the selection was limited to male or female Saudi Entrepreneurs between the ages of 30 and 40, the only requirement was that they were educated in the USA. Dr. Modi Batterjee was one of the ten selected individuals amongst eight men and only one other female". 

This is one of the major experiences in my life. I received a phone call from the US Embassy in January requesting my attendance at a Roundtable Discussion with President Bush and the US Ambassador. I accepted and had a wonderful experience. I did my best to represent the Muslim and young Saudi communities with the best image possible. I wanted Mr. Bush to know that we are professional people and we can participate in any international setting. Not all of us are terrorists and we deserve to be an active part of this world.

The following is what Mr. Bush had to say at the introduction of the meeting:
THE PRESIDENT: "I'm George W. Bush, President of the United States. (Laughter.) Thank you all for joining us. Ambassador, thanks for setting this up. It's important for the President to hear thoughts, hopes, dreams, aspirations, concerns from folks that are out making a living. And I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and visit with me. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
One thing that's for certain: The United States benefits when people come to my country. And one of my concerns was after September the 11th that our visa policy, particularly for Saudis, was tightened to the point where we missed opportunity to show young and old alike what our country is really about. I love the fact that some of you were educated in America. I think you'll find you got a good education there, but more importantly, Americans get to see you, and you get to see them. And the best way to achieve better understanding in the world is for folks just to get together, and get to understand that we share the same God, and we share the same aspirations for children and for our futures.
And so this is an important visit for me. I'm thrilled to be in the Kingdom. I have -- I've got very close relations with His Majesty. We had a good visit last night on a variety of subjects. We talked about Palestinian peace; we talked about the security issues of the region. I talked to the Ambassador, and will again talk to His Majesty tonight about the fact that oil prices are very high, which is tough on our economy, and that I would hope, as OPEC considers different production levels, that they understand that if their -- one of their biggest consumers' economy suffers, it will mean less purchases, less oil and gas sold.
And so we've got a lot of things to talk about, but I want to assure you it's from the spirit of friendship. And the hospitality last night was warm, and the conversation was excellent -- just like this one is going to be. So I want to thank you for coming. I appreciate your time."

That was his opening remark. It was good. I didn’t hate him, but understood why so many did. We were very lucky to have later received letters of gratitude from the president and acknowledgment that we were the reason he decided to impose the revision of the Visa situation and the extension of its length to five years. I felt very excited when I knew that I had participated in making a positive change, one that was so desperately needed.